On Burn Outs and Life Choices

Hey everyone.

It has been (more than) a year since my last post.

Last time I wrote here, I was talking about starting my internship year in a new city yadda, yadda. A year later, I’m a full fledged doctor and have the freedom to choose the career path I want to take.

(I feel sad writing this down now. Since my “K” and “V” and “9” eys (see?) suddenly became sticky and annoying. But I’ll try to do my best writing this post)

So, what happened?

Let’s just say I finished my internship with some good memories and some bad memories. People I’ll cherish forever (and became my best friends) and a few people I don’t want to see anymore. Maybe that’s a story for another day. But yeah. Moving on.

After 1.5 months of lazing around at home (and waiting for my medical practice registration number), traveling around, me and my best friend, M, decided to finally submit our job applications and get our lazy butts up.

M and I had different targets and different qualifications. M finished all her training and I was one training short. No surprise she got called in two weeks time.

While yours truly here? I didn’t hear anything in 3 months.

No worries, I filled my time with filling in clinics and some random jobs. And I travelled to my favorite country (to travel. Don’t get me wrong), Australia. Before completing that one training I actually got called by one of the hospital I submitted my application to. Long story short, I got accepted but I declined the offer, since I have different life target in a time frame that the hospital couldn’t comply to. No regrets, because M took their offer, and I always think that M is a better fit with their vision and work ethics.

(M if you’re reading this, I’m so proud of you! :*)

But after my trip to Australia, I was contacted by a hospital regarding my job application. Long story short, the hospital could fulfill my request and now I’m here. And let me tell you a secret, since 5 years ago, I have always wanted to work here. 🙂 So moral of the story, never let anyone stop you from dreaming and hoping.

So that’s my update!

And today, I want to talk about a doctor’s silent (but deadly) friend. Burn outs. Or burning out.

Burning out is a condition that I’m sure someone had experienced once in a while in their lifetime. In the medical profession we kept it in the dark, because who wants to hear that their doctor is questioning their life choices? Or not feeling their best mentally to treat someone? Well, let me tell you, we are human too and we feel those things sometimes.

From the demanding patients, the overbearing work hours, the injustice we received from the health care systems, we question our life choices every once in a while.

I had it twice. One when I was still in HO (or in Indonesia we call it DM or KO-ASS) for maybe a… day? (it was quite bad though, I was ready to pack my bags and wrote to my university that I am done. Story for another day) and one lasting… 2 years. And believe it or not, only recently I managed to get through it.

For 2 years I was struggling with a burn out and I didn’t even realized that it was a burn out. People around me were quick to point it out, saying that I don’t have that fire in my eyes and the energy I have when going to the hospital, or learning something new. I brushed them off, saying that I’m just tired.

In my internship year, the hospital I was in, turned out to be the one I definitely not share values with. I won’t bad mouth them here, but I was unhappy, and it worsen my burn out even more.

Because it was subtle and I was on denial that I was having a burn out, I didn’t talk to anyone about it. Looking back, I should’ve talked to my friends about it.

Until a few months ago, someone (not that close to me) pointed out that I was having a burn out. And I’d confessed, “Maybe I am.”

And the response was, “Just quit. What’s the problem? I work a different job, not what I studied for. Why don’t you do that too?”

That hit me so hard.

No. I don’t want to quit.

No. I don’t want to let go of the thing I work so hard for.

No. I don’t want to waste all those blood, sweat and tears for nothing.

No. I don’t want to break my family hearts.

When I say those points the response I got was a shrug.

Oh boy, sometimes being with the wrong person made you know what you really, really want.

I remember when I said “I am doing my interview with a hospital.” and gushing about how happy I was being called for an interview since I really, really want to work here.

The response I got was somewhat of a killjoy. I brushed it off. And I know I don’t want to be with someone like this. What if one day I got accepted into a specialist and if the specialist is not something they expect it to be?

(Oh why won’t you become a pediatrician? oh why you won’t become a cardiologist? I’m shuddering just thinking about it. I admire every doctors and I believe that they have their reasons of choosing their specialty. But being with someone who questions my choices without even giving me valid points? No, thank you)

So yeah. Probably being with the wrong person sucks but I got to hand it to them that it made me conquer my burn out. Also the realization that I deserve better than this.

For my fellow doctors, please talk to someone about your struggles. I recently talked to a friend’s friend and we talk about burn outs and realizing we have a lot in common. I’m glad they decided to talk to me about their struggles and they heard my struggles too. We talked about what made us chose to be a doctor and we talked about the things we love and the things we struggle with.

I made amazing friends as I become a doctor.

I met amazing teachers and life mentors.

I met supportive patients and those who were always grateful and thankful.

And most importantly, I see God’s work inside my life.

Those reasons are enough. Enough to triumph the bad things, enough to silence every doubts, enough to give strength to push through.

For now, those thoughts are enough for me.