Happy new year everybody! May 2020 be a better year for all of us.
Today is my Dad’s birthday. Happy birthday Dad, I wish him a good health and happiness for every single thing he does.
My Dad always wanted me to become a Doctor. Growing up in a family of doctors, he spent his childhood running away from my late Grandpa because he didn’t want to get injected with medications. I guess that’s why he didn’t become a doctor himself (he didn’t say this but I suppose this is the real reason anyway).
This morning I suddenly remembered about this one particular patient and her mom. And I want to write a blog post about them today.
Let’s go back to March of 2016.
I was in my surgery rotation in a small-ish government hospital in Surabaya. In that hospital each of the HO (in Indonesia we call them DM (Dokter Muda) or KO-ASS) were required to do ER rotation for 2 weeks. Imagine. Spending 2 weeks in the ER. Most of my peers surgery rotation were in my university hospital which requires them to do ER rotation for 2 weeks also, but not continuously.
By day one it was going well, a bit of shock and adaptation but the ER team were very nice and welcoming, which ease the transition. But fatigue and overworked caught up on us and by the first week we were exhausted.
There was this one day, when the ER was packed, it was quite late into the night after a packed day. I remember seeing this one female patient clutching her stomach in pain and she was queueing for the triage with her husband and mother.
Concerned, I walked up to her despite the head nurse saying it’s okay, I should sit down and take a break, my friend said the same thing.
I asked her what’s wrong. Her mother snarkily replied.
“Who are you?” Probably referring to the scrubs I was wearing.
“I’m Debby, I’m the Surgery HO in the ER.”
“I want to see the doctor now! Why the only the HO?” her mother replied.
“This is the ER ma’am, you are currently waiting to be assessed in the triage, I could help your daughter by taking notes and main complaints and present it to the ER doctor, it would work out faster too.” (Give myself a pat on my back for not losing my cool)
She grumpily agreed and I took the patient’s history. I concluded she should go to the OB-GYN ER (the hospital have a separate ER for OB-GYN patients) because she was pregnant and of course it would be faster because she didn’t have to queue for the triage.
But her mother angrily replied why should they go to the OB-GYN ER and that I’m wasting her time asking these questions. So she angrily stormed off, leaving me dazed there.
I remember being very sad treated like that. I know I wasn’t a fully fledged doctor at that time but I was concerned and I worry about her daughter.
I told the head nurse and he assured me it’s not my fault and I wanted what’s the best for the patient, I told my friend and he said it’s okay. But wrecked with guilt I went out and sat down near the main road. Taking deep breaths and controlling myself so I wouldn’t cry.
Maybe it was the fatigue and I was tired. I question myself whether it’s the path I want to take. When you are genuinely concerned about the well-being of your patient but this is the response you get. They are telling you that you are not good enough. When you want to stay in your City with your family, people will tell you that you are selfish for not going to some remote place to serve.
I wanted to quit right then. I remember building the scenario in my mind, what would I say to my parents and how I would tell them to soften the blow. What would I do after I quit and walked away.
I didn’t tell my friend that day, because I could see he was tired too and it’s not fair that I burden him with this. I wanted to pick up my phone and call my friends but they were having their surgery rotation too. I went to sleep with a broken heart and broken spirit.
The next day was packed as usual. Being in one of the busiest hospital in Surabaya, there would almost be no room to sit down and breathe. Our breaks were the morning reports, time to eat and showers.
I remember one of the ER Doctors told us, a female patient, 19 years old, having stomach pain and fever. Probable appendicitis. He asked us to check on her and take some history.
Because it’s a female patient, I went in and asked her some questions. She was very friendly and she was still smiling when she saw me even though she was in pain.
She came with her mother, and her mother tapped me and called me “sus” which is what some people call the nurses in Indonesian. In my university hospital the nurses didn’t really like the nickname because it reminded them of a babysitter or nanny. Nothing against babysitters or nannies but they definitely didn’t want to be mistreated. So they always tell us to call them “mbak” which translated into “miss”.
I said to her “I’m sorry, I’m not a nanny. You can call me ‘miss’.”
My friend overheard this and he said “She’s an HO, not a doctor yet but she will be. Please don’t call her ‘sus’ you can call her ‘miss’ but not ‘sus’,” as he explained to the patient’s mother.
“Oh, I’m very sorry!” as she apologized to me. I said it’s okay. But I was still in a horrible mood after the previous day, so I didn’t really smile to her that much.
I follow up her daughter throughout the time they were in the ER. Nothing special just what I did everyday with every patient.
The result was appendicitis and she needed to be referred because the hospital operating rooms were full.
When they were about to leave the hospital, I was focused on other patients follow up. My friend called me and he said the mother wanted to see me.
I obliged and asked her what’s wrong.
She held my hands and she looked me into my eyes and she said these exact words, “Thank you doc, you have been very caring to my daughter, you are very kind and gentle. You are a great doctor. I’m sorry that I offended you, I know you are tired and there is a long way to go for you. But don’t give up, you will be a great doctor. Thank you for everything you did for my daughter. I wish you all the best in life.”
I was shocked as I heard those words from her mouth. I stuttered a thank you for her and her daughter. I am sorry too if I was snarky. She held my hands and she said it’s okay.
She and her daughter left in the ambulance to be referred.
I left the ER to the same hiding spot yesterday and I just cried there. Feeling like a horrible person for ever giving up on this. I felt like God just sent someone to answer my doubts and worries.
Thank you for your kind words. Every single word made me feel so appreciated. If I hadn’t meet you and your daughter that day I would not be here today. On my last burn out I remembered you. It kept me going, it kept me from giving up on my dreams.
I am sorry I didn’t give you my contact and we didn’t stay in touch. But I’m very grateful for you, I pray that you are well today, I pray that your daughter finish her university, I wish you all the best in life, may you always be loved by every one around you.
Thank you.
Always be kind to every one you meet. Thank you for teaching me that.
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