The Expectations Upon Us

People has their own timeline

One of the post in instagram that I kept in my saved collection is a quote saying,

Dear girl who sees her friends getting engaged, pregnant, married, moving into her first home, posting pictures with her man, etc. and you feel like you’re doing something wrong, STOP. Their season isn’t your season. Comparison is the thief of joy

From instagram account @herincrediblemindset

While it’s such a sweet post but I have to admit that I fell victim to comparison.

Career wise, I’m pretty much a cookie cutter of a doctor could be. Got into medical school at 17, finished undergrad at 21, took my oath at 23. Done my government duties when I was 25 and got into residency in the same year. Expected to be a specialist at 30 years old. The normal timeline of a doctor in Indonesia.

Or as they say, the ideal timeline of a doctor.

I only got 4 months of experience in the ER and 4 months in a tertiary outpatient clinic, sometimes I wonder if I should’ve add more months and more experience rather than focusing getting into residency. Whilst getting stares by my peers saying that they want my timeline and would go far and beyond to get into residency right now.

I went on saying that I got a very decent pay in the previous hospital and now I am pretty much once again, a student without any financial freedom (Residents in Indonesia don’t get salary or payment for their work because it’s university-based, not hospital-based). I was happy as an ER doctor, while in residency… I guess I’m doing okay, but not as happy as I should be (I am sure my fellow residents know why and what I meant).

I know, I know. It really is a first world problem. But my happiness is my priority and it’s what I strive for in life. Just to be happy.

Even in the supposedly “right” timeline I sometimes questioned myself whether it was the right choice.

The grass is always greener than the other side I guess.

But let’s face it, while you got one aspect of your life put together, the other aspect probably either absent, falling into pieces, or simply haven’t come into mind yet.

Not to worry, people like to remind you over and over again what are you doing wrong in your life anyway.

How many of us are familiar with these questions?

When are you getting married?

How many kids are you planning for?

Why can’t you be like *insert someone’s name here*?

Some of us are lucky to be born with a diamond heart and a not giving an F attitude. While some of us are born with a heart as soft as cotton and a mind prone to overthinking.

Who the heck chose the “ideal” criteria to everything anyway? Who is the first person that decided that everything must fall into a category of good and bad, pretty and ugly, ideal and not ideal?

Getting into university at 18? Good, at 16 or 17? Even better. Changing majors at 23? Uhm…?

Married when you were in a relationship for two years? Right. Not getting married when you are already in your nth year? Why?

Or, my personal favorite. (Since I am the targeted person for this question):

Why aren’t you married yet? You are on your way to 30!!!

Why we, as an 20 year old something female, still figuring things out with life, still has this society expectation on our backs that 30 is the dreaded age. Even I could say that I am in my almost late 20s and I am still grasping and trying to figure out my life. Let alone trying to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Why do we try to mold ourselves into the supposed to be “right” timeline? I had a friend who married when she was 25 and had no intention to go to residency, when I got accepted into residency suddenly her parents told her that she should go to residency too. Now she told me she was confused what she should do, have another child or go to residency?

Okay, now that is very, very messed up. Why do she have to fulfill the expectation of someone else? See what is wrong here? No matter what you can’t win.

When your future (career wise) is pretty much laid out for you, you have to succeed in other aspect too. Vice versa.

I wish I could just become someone I said before, someone with a diamond heart and not giving an F attitude. But face it, I am not. I listen to what people said, and deep down inside I want every aspect of my life to be organized, precise, and put together.

And for that I am still learning, to be content of where I am. To focus on what I got going for me and not to obsess what is not there.

I am tired right now. I write just to feel better.

It worked anyway. I feel better now.