The need to be alone

The world is a harsh place for introverts.

Even when I started medical school, one of the very first thing my lecturer said was that being a doctor means you couldn’t be a quiet person. You have to communicate, talk to people.

Over the years I learned that while it’s true, it’s not 100% true.

There are specialties that are suited to people who are quiet and tend to stay away from the spotlight.

10 years ago telemedicine was a new thing, but now a lot of doctors practice in telemedicine.

In my experience of trying to mold myself into the idea of an ideal doctor, I learned to silence my feelings, and kept the my opinions to myself. I learned to place my work over everything else, including my own wellbeing.

And along the way, I felt like I am becoming someone different and I am losing myself.

I listen to other people more than I listen to myself.

I try to make time for other people but I neglect to make time for myself.

I learn to make other people happy but never learn how to make myself happy.

I keep a checklist of what I should achieve in my life but not what I want to achieve in my life.

I constantly feel guilty for relaxing and not doing anything productive.

I constantly feel anxious if I don’t open my phone. In case there are people who tried to reach me.

I felt guilty for taking a break or resting if I were sick.

This is why I decided that from now on, I’ll focus on myself and my own wellbeing.

I know that in my line of work I am replacable. There would always be someone better than me. Someone who has more energy and time devoted to their work.

But I am not wrong for taking care of myself, and I am never wrong for putting my own needs first.

And that is the thing I have to learn on my own.