That it were easy.
That everything would just fall into place.
There would be no tears or sadness involved.
No more waiting games.
No more mind games.
But wishes are just that.
Something that you have to be careful with if it does come true.
(yep. I just want to sleep)
Let’s go, a 2020 appreciation/reflection post! I typed this as I just woken up from a nap (who takes a nap at 8 PM and woke up at 11 PM? Just me? Alright) and I realized that I haven’t make any 2020 reflection post.
What can I say? 2020 has been a pretty… weird year so far. The pandemic sucks, really. Thankfully as I know that I am in the freshmen year of residency, I don’t really have much of an agenda regarding things outside of residency because I know how much my life will revolve around residency.
Surprisingly there are loads of things that are good about 2020.
I am in good health.
These past few years I rarely see any problems regarding my health, but this year my health has been the best in a few years.
I didn’t get any high fever sore throat that I usually got every year.
All of my routine lab results are great.
I didn’t get any major injuries which is a great bonus.
Achieved my financial goals
This comes as a surprise for me since I stopped working in the end of 2019 to focus on my residency, which means I am no longer financially independent and I don’t have a steady income.
But God has been good, and the health minister (previous one that is) has been good to us, we got the thing that we never thought would happen in our lifetime. We got appreciation for residency (before this, residents in Indonesia work for free and we have to pay for education) due to the pandemic and most of us are up against the virus first hand (even me who is in a very different field), I am grateful that even though we are not a specialist yet, we got appreciated and acknowledged that we are still a physician.
(Okay the fireworks have just gone off)
Doing new hobbies and interests
Self explanatory. I have interests outside of the healthcare field and I am happy that I still managed to squeeze in some time for myself and my mental being. A few of my new interests made me realize that are loads of things to look forward in the future.
Great support from all the people around me
I have said loads of time that I love my friends and family members. But I think this year made me realize that I have more love than I ever imagined.
All of the 2020 resolution
Work harder, have more fun in everything I do, be grateful
I guess I achieved them all. Although I need more motivation to do things but overall it’s been great.
2021 Resolution
What is a new year post without any resolution?
Happy new year everybody! See you soon
It never does.
I wish it would.
This zombie just wants to say that she’s tired.
We have a slang for it in Indonesian. Ilfil. From the word Ilang (lost) and feeling. Commonly referred when you liked someone and one day they did something that made you lost interest in them. But the slang can be used in multiple different scenarios too.
In this weekend post I’ll write about my one experience losing respect for one of my… (I want to say friend but we were not that close to begin with) so I’ll say acquaintance.
Let me explain quickly about the healthcare system in Indonesia. We have a national healthcare system and a dozen of privately owned insurances. The national healthcare system were only implemented less than a decade ago and it has its downfalls and weird settings. It has its pros and cons, just like any other system.
A lot of privately owned healthcare insurances came into the market, some are older than the implementation of the national healthcare system. As a doctor in Indonesia we didn’t really get to learn about healthcare insurance when we were in college and we learnt as we worked in the government owned hospital and clinics, our mandatory government duties, etc.
But I am not here to give critique to the national healthcare system nor to bash on the privately owned healthcare insurances. I am not knowledgeable enough nor I worked long enough in a place that required me to understand about the system (I worked in a tertiary clinic that the national healthcare system covered twice a week for 4 months and in a private hospital’s ER for 4 months. Both definitely not long enough for me to gain enough knowledge)
One of my acquaintance is (or was? I don’t really know) an agent from a really big privately owned healthcare insurance. I’m sure most of Indonesians have heard of it. My acquaintance was not happy with his previous job and he decided to become an agent. He was very good looking and friendly, its quite impossible not to grow fond of him.
I remembered he asked for my assistance on explaining some of the medical terms he would have to understand to explain to his future clients. Which is understandable because he didn’t come from a medical background, I happily obliged and told him the things he needed to know.
As natural a agent would do, he asked if I wanted to “invest” in his company’s healthcare insurance.
(I really don’t think a healthcare insurance is an “investment” since I think that investing in health is definitely a must for everyone to realize, but I don’t know why do insurance agents always emphasizes on when you are sick you’ll lose a lot of money so you should have health insurance? I get it, fear is a good marketing strategy, but with the things happening in someone’s private life, do you need to interfere? Everyone has the rights of spending their hard owned money. Maybe I am biased since I had an experience when withdrawing my deposit in the bank an an insurance agent blatantly look at my transactions and interests and said I should invest in retirement plans and the interests from my deposit should cover the monthly fees. Talk about privacy violation)
I declined since I am already covered in the national healthcare system and my mom included us in an another (not my acquaintance’s) privately owned healthcare insurance. But he insisted he wanted to review our family’s health care policies by coming into our house and reviewed it together with my parents. My parents really hate strangers coming over since they are very private (my best friends are allowed to come over with no problems since they are my best friends. but acquaintance that barely talked before this? No way).
So that’s that and we didn’t talk afterwards.
Friends. Let me tell you something, people who suddenly contacted you after a long time of no contact either: somehow suddenly liked you and want to get to know you better (crushes and such), or want to offer something related to money.
I am not a confrontational person so when he posted something like when you are sick and have no money no doctor will help you (not true, I met amazing doctors that helped the poorest and the people in need) and only insurance is your way out. (not true either, I met people who are really sick and the insurance won’t cover their sickness, as much as people could point fingers at me, let me tell you the bitter truth. sometimes there are sickness that even unlimited money couldn’t help you. Doctors are humans after all, we can only do what our limited capabilities can do).
But what made me lose respect for him is when he posted about his insurance when the pandemic hits Indonesia.
In his post was he said. “are you sure you are covered? Are you sure that the hospital will give you rooms when you got the virus? join us now”
And I was angry.
The virus is a national, no, international disaster, are you saying that somehow the government will close their eyes and somehow said the national healthcare system won’t cover the patients with the virus? Gee, I know that the national healthcare system is not perfect but not like that too.
And what it is about hospital not wanting to give rooms to people without a specific insurance? Right now a lot of hospital rooms are full and you think that only VIP rooms are needed for the virus? No, you need proper isolation room and proper PPEs for the staff, not just the luxury of the air conditioner or the TVs that you promote so much.
What puts the nail in the coffin for me is how dare he uses the virus to spread fear so that people will join his insurance company? People are scared and he somehow uses this momentum to promote his insurance company???
Yep, and after that I lost all respect I have.
I know I should talk to him about it, but I realized that sometimes, some people are not capable of hearing criticism or listening that they were wrong.
I don’t make this post to “cancel” him or any other agents from insurance companies. One of my cousin is in the healthcare insurance and she is an amazing person, she showed me that not all insurance company agents used fear as a marketing strategy and it’s nice. And she really respected doctors, which made me know that insurance companies can grow without commenting on doctors, the healthcare system and the hospital.
Friends, listen (or read), we live in a horrible time today, with the pandemic and economic crash and all the things we can’t predict in the future. Please, please take care of each other, please be mindful of each other, don’t spread fear and don’t spread misinformation, as if what other people have in their plate is not already too much for them.
Stay indoors if you don’t absolutely need to go out from the house, wear your masks, wash your hands, stop touching your face, stop touching other people, love yourself and love your families and friends, watch over their backs, and watch your own back too. Physically and mentally.
See you guys soon.
My ideal weekend would be me just lazing around and watching netflix, with takeout Japanese food. Before the virus the ideal weekend would be going out with best friends and spent the whole day with them. To think this used to be the norm earlier this year.
Sometimes I want to ask, why are we losing in this fight? Why do we get 4000+ cases each day? Why does our graph shows ascending numbers? Surely there must be answers.
But I could only hold my tongue since being in the medical field doesn’t do us any favors. Our questions are met with pointed fingers and accusations with no concrete proof. In the end we fend for ourselves and we kept ourselves safe. Nobody else will.
I stopped watching or reading the news since the start of the pandemic, I don’t entertain my curiosity in the explore page on instagram.
It has been 6 months since the virus entered Indonesia and I am wondering when things would turn for the better? I want to be optimistic but we are pretending that everything is back to normal when the truth is, it’s not. And pretending that it’s normal is definitely not helping.
Everything is changing, but we won’t admit it.
We stopped being careful, we stopped being scared, we stopped being diligent with health precautions. In hopes that somehow everything would feel back to normal again. Probably knowing that this act will worsen the pandemic, but so many excuses
Talk about being in denial.
How many of you are like me?
I like making plans and to do lists. Since I am the kind of person who is very forgetful and the kind of person who couldn’t even remember what she had for lunch yesterday–okay maybe not yesterday, but maybe two days ago (yep).
It’s a good mental exercise, to check off the to do lists. Feeling productive.
I’m quite old school so I wrote down my plans for that day and the following days. Since I think writing down on the phone’s calendar too messy (anyone feel me here? Google calendar, outlook calendar, phone calendar… To do lists… Why can’t everything be in one app anyway?)
I am guilty of not writing in this blog for a long time (and making it private didn’t help of course), and to tell you a little secret too, I didn’t have much inspiration to write fictional stories. Wha–? It’s coming from someone that her most used app in her phone was notes. From someone who wrote fiction almost every single night on her phone before bed. I felt kind of down actually. And trying to find if anything is wrong with me? Am I too tired? Am I just hitting a writer’s block? Or maybe it’s deeper than that?
Because I’m the kind of person who puts her writing into boxes, I definitely won’t post any fiction here. This blog is definitely more about what’s happening inside this zombie’s mind (which is most likely random and not that far from food), and the things I want to pen down and share (one day) to the world.
Maybe I should pen down some more mundane things rather than the deep thoughts that my posts are usually about (or probably just someone trying to be deep).
One thing that I realized is that since the beginning of this year I haven’t picked up my camera again. Which is such a bummer since the beginning of the year I upgraded my a6300 to the a6400 (I had the 6300 since 2017, it was a great camera but it overheats and shut down itself), but since the virus happened, I am not travelling as much as I would like, sooo… yeah, my camera is gathering dust (Like my life). Maybe I should pick it up and take some more pictures. Even though I don’t know what should I take pictures of.
So pardon the rambling post, I think I want to write more about more mundane stuff rather than trying too hard to write a post. So maybe I’ll share what package came into my house from my online shopping habits, or maybe what kind of film or series that I watched that week.
Yep. Fingers crossed I’ll be able to keep up.
People has their own timeline
One of the post in instagram that I kept in my saved collection is a quote saying,
Dear girl who sees her friends getting engaged, pregnant, married, moving into her first home, posting pictures with her man, etc. and you feel like you’re doing something wrong, STOP. Their season isn’t your season. Comparison is the thief of joy
From instagram account @herincrediblemindset
While it’s such a sweet post but I have to admit that I fell victim to comparison.
Career wise, I’m pretty much a cookie cutter of a doctor could be. Got into medical school at 17, finished undergrad at 21, took my oath at 23. Done my government duties when I was 25 and got into residency in the same year. Expected to be a specialist at 30 years old. The normal timeline of a doctor in Indonesia.
Or as they say, the ideal timeline of a doctor.
I only got 4 months of experience in the ER and 4 months in a tertiary outpatient clinic, sometimes I wonder if I should’ve add more months and more experience rather than focusing getting into residency. Whilst getting stares by my peers saying that they want my timeline and would go far and beyond to get into residency right now.
I went on saying that I got a very decent pay in the previous hospital and now I am pretty much once again, a student without any financial freedom (Residents in Indonesia don’t get salary or payment for their work because it’s university-based, not hospital-based). I was happy as an ER doctor, while in residency… I guess I’m doing okay, but not as happy as I should be (I am sure my fellow residents know why and what I meant).
I know, I know. It really is a first world problem. But my happiness is my priority and it’s what I strive for in life. Just to be happy.
Even in the supposedly “right” timeline I sometimes questioned myself whether it was the right choice.
The grass is always greener than the other side I guess.
But let’s face it, while you got one aspect of your life put together, the other aspect probably either absent, falling into pieces, or simply haven’t come into mind yet.
Not to worry, people like to remind you over and over again what are you doing wrong in your life anyway.
How many of us are familiar with these questions?
When are you getting married?
How many kids are you planning for?
Why can’t you be like *insert someone’s name here*?
Some of us are lucky to be born with a diamond heart and a not giving an F attitude. While some of us are born with a heart as soft as cotton and a mind prone to overthinking.
Who the heck chose the “ideal” criteria to everything anyway? Who is the first person that decided that everything must fall into a category of good and bad, pretty and ugly, ideal and not ideal?
Getting into university at 18? Good, at 16 or 17? Even better. Changing majors at 23? Uhm…?
Married when you were in a relationship for two years? Right. Not getting married when you are already in your nth year? Why?
Or, my personal favorite. (Since I am the targeted person for this question):
Why aren’t you married yet? You are on your way to 30!!!
Why we, as an 20 year old something female, still figuring things out with life, still has this society expectation on our backs that 30 is the dreaded age. Even I could say that I am in my almost late 20s and I am still grasping and trying to figure out my life. Let alone trying to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Why do we try to mold ourselves into the supposed to be “right” timeline? I had a friend who married when she was 25 and had no intention to go to residency, when I got accepted into residency suddenly her parents told her that she should go to residency too. Now she told me she was confused what she should do, have another child or go to residency?
Okay, now that is very, very messed up. Why do she have to fulfill the expectation of someone else? See what is wrong here? No matter what you can’t win.
When your future (career wise) is pretty much laid out for you, you have to succeed in other aspect too. Vice versa.
I wish I could just become someone I said before, someone with a diamond heart and not giving an F attitude. But face it, I am not. I listen to what people said, and deep down inside I want every aspect of my life to be organized, precise, and put together.
And for that I am still learning, to be content of where I am. To focus on what I got going for me and not to obsess what is not there.
I am tired right now. I write just to feel better.
It worked anyway. I feel better now.
Was a very special day.
Was.
I am in awe how much a year could make a difference. I am in awe of how much our lives have changed, how our feelings were different now and then.
We learned from our mistakes and we prayed so hard that we won’t make the similar choices that resulted in similar unfortunate outcomes.
Walk slowly. Crawl if you must. It’s always hard to run at first try.
But always be proud of how far you’ve gone through. How far you are now compared to the past, how much you’ve changed for the better.
Everything that already happened is always the best way. Even though it might not felt like that at first. When your tears are dry you will see with clarity.
And you will be thankful for where you are today.
Because I am a healthcare worker and I don’t feel safe writing about anything right now.
That Sleepy Zombie's Blog 