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And I wonder…

If we live in an age such as now.

When will we be happy? Can we be happy?

The constant bombarding of oh-look-at-me-I-have-the-ideal-life by strangers.

The pressure of specific milestones and things you have to have before a specific age. Sometimes getting more and more ridiculous but some people around you will adhere to those expectations.

The bragging of success and dare to be different in the name of innovation and creativity. And people wanting normal life shunned because they are not dreaming enough.

With all these pressure, can we learn to cover our eyes and ears? Because if we don’t, happiness seem so far away, we keep comparing ourselves to the idea of perfection that we lose the person we truly are.

I hope there is someone in your life who made you realize that you are enough.

I hope you realize it by yourself too.

I hope you have the strength to break free from these expectations other people put onto yourself.

I hope you know that everything happens for a reason and the need to be patient. To wait. To understand.

One day you will.

And finally be happy.

Love, your nextdoor zombie.

Today

Was a very special day.

Was.

I am in awe how much a year could make a difference. I am in awe of how much our lives have changed, how our feelings were different now and then.

We learned from our mistakes and we prayed so hard that we won’t make the similar choices that resulted in similar unfortunate outcomes.

Walk slowly. Crawl if you must. It’s always hard to run at first try.

But always be proud of how far you’ve gone through. How far you are now compared to the past, how much you’ve changed for the better.

Everything that already happened is always the best way. Even though it might not felt like that at first. When your tears are dry you will see with clarity.

And you will be thankful for where you are today.

My 2019

I’m definitely not the kind of person who would jot down reflections every end of the week. Much less the end of the year.

One of my colleagues asked me whether I write diaries or journals. And the answer is that I don’t, I write planners and to do lists.

But. Staying true to my 2019 resolution:

Be healthier

Be happier

Be more grateful

It’s only appropriate I do some reflections by the end of the year.

My 2019 resolutions were a big contrast to my 2018 resolutions, or the lack of resolution to be precise.

I’m happy to say I achieved them all.

Especially the happier part.

Being a melancholic individual, reaching a state of happiness is somewhat a daunting and almost impossible task.

That’s why I’m grateful for everyone around me.

2019 has been a wonderful year. A year that showed me the love and care my friends gave for me, the year that made me realize that our friendship goes deeper and the bond wouldn’t easily be severed because of distances nor conflicts.

Let’s recap the whole year shall we?

January

Started new year in the hospital. I had my night shift on the 31st. Not too bad. 2 admissions and we got to see the fireworks despite not being on the higher grounds.

I don’t exactly remember where I made my resolution. But for the sake of this writing let’s just say it was made as I was driving home to Surabaya. Like in the movies.

February

February was a… weird month for me.

Celebrated Chinese New Year with the worst sore throat. Which probably was a bad omen. Anyway!

My best friend, H, got married! I didn’t become a bridesmaid but I was asked to give a speech for the night reception. Which somehow I complied to (because it’s her wedding day. I got the feeling I wouldn’t be this complying if it weren’t).

And I finished my goverment requirements! I bid the city of Gresik goodbye and went home for good.

March

Nothing remarkable happened this month. I wind down and enjoyed my time unemployed. I went to Singapore, Jakarta and Bali. Generally having fun and catching up with my friends.

But this is the month I bid my best friend, J, goodbye. She’ll be going back to her hometown and spend the whole year to get recommendations for her next step of becoming a specialist.

People went away to follow their paths. This month reminded me that in the end we are just individuals trying our best in life.

April

April is when I decided I want to try new hobbies. Which is… making bread!

It all started after eating a few really good french toasts, I asked myself why I couldn’t create similar ones at home. I watched youtube tutorials and decided to give baking bread a go.

My first attempt of making brioche. Which turned out great and let me say probably one of my proudest moment 🤣

I experimented making bagels, pretzels and sourdoughs afterwards. But I won’t bore you guys of bread pictures.

May

The month I decided to follow my dreams.

It was also the month I started filling clinics and working sporadically.

June

The month of trainings and preparations.

I had my Advanced Trauma Life Support training and it rekindled my love for the field of study close to my heart. Even though I won’t be a surgeon, but surgery surprisingly has been my favorite study throughout my time in medical school.

I also got to know my lecturers personally. With them giving me full support and prayers for me so that I could move forward and reach my dreams.

July

My Australian trip.

The time when I asked for so many signs and answers to every uncertainties in my life. Is it quarter life crisis? Probably.

Being in another country made me take a step back and view my problems from different angles.

And in the end it’s my life. I have every rights to decide what makes me happy.

August

The most exhausting and excruciating month of the year.

I was drained physically and mentally. So much fights, anger, and tears during this month.

The month that I ended things with someone very toxic. Walking away was hard to do, but I did. It felt… liberating. For this I am really, really thankful for my friends, especially the guy friends who helped me get through.

Being with someone toxic made you believe that you were a horrible person. It made you doubt yourself. For someone who worked so hard to believe in herself, having someone like this reduced every effort into none.

I remember crying so hard and asking myself,

Am I a horrible person?

Do I always have a hidden agenda for everything I do?

When I walked away, I remember being so tired, I asked for God’s forgiveness for every single things I have done wrong.

Even though it was a month of bad things. It was also the month full of good things.

I started my job at my dream hospital.

I remember loving my friends even more because they were always there with me.

So even though it was a tiring month. It was also the month of change and gratefulness

September

Month of adjustments. New environment, new colleagues, new schedules.

A lot of adjustments happening in this month. Honing so many different skills, as a doctor, as a colleague, as a friend.

Knowing that I was one more step closer to my dream happened as well.

October

I remember waiting nervously for the results of the most important test of this year.

It was almost funny actually.

The exam results showed up and people were congratulating me left and right. People were celebrating with me and I remember feeling so blessed to share the happiness with everyone.

It was never because of my own work. It was always because of God and prayers and well wishes from everyone.

November

Another month of new beginnings.

A new start. A place if I were to tell past me I would be in, I would have not believe it.

December

The month where I bid my goodbyes to my colleagues from the dream hospital.

It was my birthday month as well. I was never really big on birthdays. But I’m happy to be celebrating it with my friends.

And also my friend D got married on my birthday too! It’s really nice to reconnect with university friends on this happy day!

Today

I wish that my 2020 would be better than my 2019. I wish I could be a better person than who I was before.

It’s a bit early for resolutions but I’ll keep it simple like in 2019.

See you guys soon!