This will be an unusually emotional post, one that I need. One that will heal my heart.
Last weekend I went out with my friend and her boyfriend. We talked about a lot of things and one of them being my experience as someone’s “no” but being led on as their “maybe”.
Being anyone’s maybe is not nice, to say the least, even worse when you thought that, if that “maybe” could be a “yes” one day.
With multiple texts daily, routine phone calls throughout the week, and gifts sent, my 20 something year old self didn’t understand what it was. Even until now, I don’t really understand anything about love, dating and so. Lacking in that department, in both people interested and the experience.
One of my guy best friend, O, always say that I am too blunt when it comes to guys that are interested in me, always saying they probably want to be friends. But with constant attention and time given to me for 1+ years by this very person, I started to think about the possibility.
Being a junior in residency for the whole year (because of covid) and the constant pressure to be perfect, you poured out your emotions and worries to someone who felt like home, you know? Someone who was experiencing something similar to you, who was willing to share their experience and how they felt, with the passing time, that someone became familiar and it felt safe.
I was in that limbo for more than one year, until one day, when it was time for our late night phone call. One of my guy best friend, A, called, asking how I was doing and he hadn’t hear from me for a while.
A asked me if he could continue the call and I told him I had a phone call to make after this. He asked with who? I answered.
“That guy? What are you guys anyway? How long have you been close with each other? 1 year? I am your best friend and I don’t text you daily, I don’t call you routinely, I don’t send you gifts. How old are you guys? Are you guys friends? Are you guys dating? I think it’s not good for you to continue like this. Please ask him after this. Stop this nonsense.”
I could hear the concern and worry in A’s voice. I know that he is right, so I said okay, and I’ll call him after.
Guess how the next phone call went?
It’s not a “maybe” it’s a plain and simple “no”.
He felt that I was someone that had this special connection to him and he never really felt anything like that with anyone, but he didn’t see me more than best friends. We did crossed the line, with the attention and affection (his words not mine).
I asked him why didn’t he tell me right from the beginning then?
I was no stranger to guy best friends, all of them established the boundaries early. Respecting me as a friend but also acknowledging the fact that love may arise from the interaction, no matter how they might view you as not attractive for them, or not their type or vise versa. Something that I always, always respect from my guy best friends, they showed the respect for me as their friend, and also as someone that might be something more than just friends in the future.
“Because I felt awkward asking you that question.”
It’s better to be awkward than you leading me on like this.
“I am not leading you on. How could you think I even liked you? I never asked you out on any dates. I also won’t spend this much time chasing someone who I like.”
Those words shattered me.
Apparently I was not a human with feelings. Even though he accompanied me in my residency, even though he knew how I felt most days. He held my heart and shattered it into multiple pieces.
I felt stupid for not knowing the obvious facts that he pointed out. Maybe I did get my hopes up too much.
I said goodbye and hung up.
I remember crying to my best friends, feeling like I was sinking underwater, it was so hard to breathe. My girl best friends held me while I cried.
“It’s better this way. Better now than later.” A said as I was on the phone with him, with tears running down my face.
O received the phone call and his usually soft voice became angry and pissed off.
“No, no, he’s leading you on. It’s not your fault, it’s never your fault.”
I am so grateful for my best friends.
Breathing was hard for the next few weeks. My friends made it easier.
6 months later, after my heart and my head cleared out. I remember being on a phone call with this same guy, asking if we’re okay now.
He asked me how I felt and I answered honestly that I sometimes missed it.
“Do you want us to go back like that again?”
Those words shocked me down to my core.
“No.”
Until today I don’t know why he offered me that, I was offended because I don’t want to be another “maybe” for him, and I respected myself enough to walk away because I know (or at least, my friends said) that I deserve more.
Talking about this topic last weekend made me realize that I’ve been holding on this anger and resentment. Both for him and for myself. I always said to myself that don’t get my hopes up, or maybe I was never really worthy for anyone, never really worthy to pursue, never attractive enough for anyone to think about the future with.
Even after 4 years, the damage is still there.
In my fervent prayers to God, I asked him to give me a new heart, one that is healed and capable to love again, one that is capable of forgiving.
Forgiving myself because I was young and I didn’t know.
Forgiving myself that I let myself become vulnerable to someone who didn’t deserve it.
Forgiving myself that I fell in love, even though it’s for someone who didn’t feel the same way.
Forgiving myself that I reached for home and familiarity in a new person, one that I didn’t know I can trust or not. One that hasn’t pass the test of time and loyalty.
I buried the emotions and the sadness in the deepest corner of my heart. Pushing it back so that it would hurt less.
Dear God please accompany me in this life, if You could raise the dead to life, what is healing a broken heart to You?
You always keep your promise. Never too early, never too late.
For anyone who is having similar experience, I really do hope you give it to God, I really hope you guys forgive yourself for loving the wrong person, for giving your heart to someone who couldn’t handle the responsibility, for being sad because of it. It’s never your fault.
I’m healing, I promise. I know that one day I’ll fully forgive myself for the things I don’t understand and the mistakes I made.
So anyway, yesterday my car’s PPF got weird. If you guys don’t know, a PPF is like a protective film layer applied to a car’s paint job, kind of like adding a phone screen guard. The point is to protect the paint job underneath the film. the film itself is proclaimed as “self healing”. Yesterday some part of the PPF got blurry and become matte finish if that makes sense. I contacted my car’s salesperson and he arranged the car to be examined by the PPF company, so I dropped the car at the showroom.
My car’s salesperson is a very wonderful person, very truthful, very attentive, never pushed me into purchasing unnecessary things, outside of his work and cars, we talk about a lot of things.
Well, yesterday he told me that he’ll be resigning soon and this month will be his last month. Hearing that I felt a mixture of sadness because he’d been so reliable and a good friend, but at the same time I was proud that he was able to walk out from a workplace that didn’t treat him fairly.
I thought about my 5 years in residency and thought that I probably had too much tolerance to the pressure. Probably because of the goal that I made and also the way I don’t want to let my family members down. Even though at multiple points in those 5 years I really want to close my eyes and forget about the goals and dreams that I made and the sadness and disappointment that my family would express, and just drop out from residency. Heck, even quit as a doctor if I have to, since a dropped out resident couldn’t really go back to become a GP again (well you can, but my mindset was not suited to work as a GP anymore).
I remember when I applied to the job I am in now, the interviewer asked me what kind of colleague that I hate the most. I answered the ambitious one, the one so ambitious that they’ll do anything to make sure other people fail. I wonder to myself, isn’t that the people I met in residency? lol. We are not even in the same work place graduating from residency. We go home to different families. We don’t even exchange messages anymore. Then why in residency lots of people are cutthroat?
One of my juniors in residency (bless him) asked me how I felt entering residency that young, told him a mixture of being too naive, being people’s mat and got envied for being that young at the same time. He asked me if I were to turn back time would I start my residency that young? I told him no, I’ll work 3-4 years more in the ER, probably picking another specialty program after.
Another question that I got asked is what kind of boss that I hate. I answered the one who is already biased from the start. The people who look at our skin color, our eye shape, our beliefs, the way we present ourselves and already give minus points, even though in the end we have acquired some points, our final result is never better than the people they prefer. I don’t have to go into details about how some of my attending doctors acted.
If I think about it again, we didn’t get paid (we did for a while, but then it’s peanuts, say 50 dollars a month), we got screamed at, we were overworked into our bones, we don’t have a life outside residency, we don’t get our belief’s holiday. Did we have Stockholm syndrome or something? Or the attending doctors dangled our specialists degree in front of us like carrots or something?
Probably all of those.
I think I really appreciate the gen-z’s mindset that mental health in the work place is important, which for my generation is often overlooked and not really the main concern, perhaps now the superiors will consider mental health as something important.
I know I didn’t do a yearly recap post and I feel that it’s justified. There were a lot of things that happened in 2022, some were good, some were overbearing and hard to handle. I know that the beginning of the year is not a magic beginning, but there is always something about the start of the new year that gives us hope.
So even though it’s February and I know it’s wayyy too late to make new year goals, I will still write it down anyway. Because I know that my soul needed this.
This year is the year to be selfish.
Not in a bad way, definitely not. But this is the year that I will put myself first in every situation, every scenario and every choice.
I don’t want to dwell anymore on the fact that I am losing a little bit of myself when I don’t set any boundaries, when I let other people needs first rather than mine.
This year will be the year of contentment, I will be content with how I look, of my life, of my financial status, of my education and grades, of my relationships (or the lack thereof). I will be happy no matter what state I am at.
I know these are attainable goals and I will work hard towards them.
Even when I started medical school, one of the very first thing my lecturer said was that being a doctor means you couldn’t be a quiet person. You have to communicate, talk to people.
Over the years I learned that while it’s true, it’s not 100% true.
There are specialties that are suited to people who are quiet and tend to stay away from the spotlight.
10 years ago telemedicine was a new thing, but now a lot of doctors practice in telemedicine.
In my experience of trying to mold myself into the idea of an ideal doctor, I learned to silence my feelings, and kept the my opinions to myself. I learned to place my work over everything else, including my own wellbeing.
And along the way, I felt like I am becoming someone different and I am losing myself.
I listen to other people more than I listen to myself.
I try to make time for other people but I neglect to make time for myself.
I learn to make other people happy but never learn how to make myself happy.
I keep a checklist of what I should achieve in my life but not what I want to achieve in my life.
I constantly feel guilty for relaxing and not doing anything productive.
I constantly feel anxious if I don’t open my phone. In case there are people who tried to reach me.
I felt guilty for taking a break or resting if I were sick.
This is why I decided that from now on, I’ll focus on myself and my own wellbeing.
I know that in my line of work I am replacable. There would always be someone better than me. Someone who has more energy and time devoted to their work.
But I am not wrong for taking care of myself, and I am never wrong for putting my own needs first.
Hi everyone! As I scrolled through Tiktok, I landed to the relatable side of Tiktok. Which were the part where people with nice skin telling their acne story. Or where people with acne talk about their journey.
What is it about our face that makes us want to achieve perfection? I guess because people identify other people with their faces, and if you are pretty or handsome it does help in life 🥲
So here I am wanting to make a post about my acne journey. I don’t know if you would enjoy reading it but I’d like to pen it down ✒️
Disclaimer: This is my story, what works for me may not work for you. Please see a professional healthcare provider for advice, not some zombie doctor who doesn’t dabble in dermatology and writes blogs in her free time because she is way too shy to appear in any social media.
But do share your acne story if you have one. Living in a very physically oriented country (not as bad as some other Asian countries though thankfully), makes me aware of how much our looks play part in our daily lives.
So for fellow acne fighters or acne survivors (?) out there, hang in there, I’ve been there too.
As someone who is always have some degree of interest in skincare and makeup (I wear makeup daily and took care of my skin). I dabbled into skincare and sun protection when I was 18 (a bit late but better late than never) and makeup when I was 21 (and it’s because I went on a “date” 😂).
I had relatively clear skin before I went to university. I went to the dermatologist here and there but overall okay ish skin.
How some people makes a big deal out of it.
All hell breaks loose when I was in my fourth year of university, maybe it’s the combination of stress of thesis and being a med student. I started getting breakouts in every part of my face. My chin, cheeks, nose and forehead.
It was so bad that when I went to the mall I saw sales associates started chasing me to offer some acne medications. Not only in Surabaya, but even in Singapore 😪 I would saw these women jogging and sprinting towards me whenever I walked passed the pharmacy or some kind of beauty product store.
Mask weren’t a thing anyway back then. So paired with my pale ass skin (yo girl here is a zombie. Of course she has pale skin), my acne and post acne scars was on display for everyone to see 😂
I avoided well lit beauty store like the plague since they highlighted my skin.
And when I started my HO, the nurses would comment things like “wow your skin is full of acne.” Something like that.
I remember one of my friends said, “why don’t you do something about your skin? It’s so bad.”
When I went out with mom some of her friends would say things like “your daughter’s skin so bad. Please change her pillowcase every night and don’t let her touch her face so much.”
Wait, let me try to find a photo of my skin
Here is my skin circa 2016, maybe 2016 was a bad year afterall 😂
That’s me with little bit of makeup and using the blurry front camera of iPhone 6s anyway. I think I had worse state than this but I couldn’t find a photo.
Also, see the eyebags 😂 that means I’ve been a zombie since a long time ago.
So what helped me?
1. The right dermatologist.
When I said right, I meant the one who takes care of you wholeheartedly and good for your mental health ✨ the one you believe in and comfortable with.
Shoutout to dr. AP 🥰
I started seeing dr. AP because my grandpa said he likes dr. AP (and my grandpa is your typical Chinese grandpa you know. It’s not easy to find a doctor who vibes well with him, especially younger doctors)
He started the session with saying that my acne is not as bad as it seemed (don’t let other people said to you otherwise he said) and he said confidently,
“I will help you heal. I will help you heal so you don’t even need to see the dermatologist anymore.”
dr. AP, 2015
Whoa. So confident. I like this guy already.
He proceed to take some pictures of my skin and then explaining what will he do. (He knows I am a med student at this point).
He said that I have sensitive skin so no facial, no injections, no stinging alcohol products for me. He will give the gentlest treatment.
Then, he prescribed some creams and he asked me what sunscreen and makeup did I use and how I like it. If I like it I could continue using it. Even if I have like a favorite facial wash or moisturizer I could continue and he’ll prescribe the treatment around them.
He said that my acne is only temporary and he said to see when I turn 24.
I remember using his prescribed medications and getting better and better. Seeing him every month was nice too, he is the type of doctor that likes to joke around and never criticize. 10/10 ✨
6 months later he said that I could stop seeing him and just continue with the medications, and only make an appointment when really needed.
😱😱😱
So I did continue with his medications for a while, and as time goes by I learn about my skin and what my skin likes (what kind of cleanser, what kind of moisturizer) and don’t like (the ingredients I am sensitive to) and learning as a doctor how to take care of them.
When I turned 24, dr AP was right. My skin did significantly get better. I only had occasional acne and by then I know my skin better too.
I owe dr AP credit for my skin now. Thankyou for believing in me (as a doctor, capable of researching and taking care of my own skin) and being so open minded towards other products.
2. Loving your skin.
I know it’s hard right now, especially in social media when you see these influencers with clear, poreless, blemish less, and glowing skin even you could see it from miles away.
Those people would made me insecure too back then. Won’t lie, they looked amazing, I just wished I could have those kind of skin.
It’s hard to love your skin when it’s full of acne, oily or way too dry. When it doesn’t glow or not in their best state. When you see the pores on your nose and cheeks and wishing them to be like those photos with filters on.
But you are born with the skin you have now. They did so much for you, if you know what the skin does everyday, you’ll know that they are working hard for you.
Very, very hard. It is the largest organ of the body.
It doesn’t have to be a post of how much you love your skin or anything that people perceived as self love nowadays. It could be silent and only yourself knows how much you love your own skin.
Loving your skin looks like…
Hydrating enough. From inside and outside. Drinking enough water for yourself everyday. Using moisturizer that works for your skin.
Protecting your skin the way you can. Sunscreens. Avoiding prolonged sun exposure. Avoiding smoking etc.
Seeing the characteristics of your skin and making adjustments for them.
Listen to your skin, treat it well, it will be worth it. I promise.
3. Give it time.
Be patient! Change doesn’t comes instantly. I needed a few years for my skin to be in their state now. I needed a few years to understand them. I need time to fully love them.
Don’t beat yourself up if acnes showed up. Don’t beat yourself up when you forgot your skincare. Don’t beat yourself up if somehow something doesn’t go as planned or if you didn’t achieve your goal within a time you set for yourself.
4. Remembering these things.
Having problematic skin is not your fault. Never let anyone makes you believe that it’s somehow your fault.
Everyone wants clear, blemish less skin. Nobody wants to be an acne fighter. It cost money, it cost time, it cost your mental health (listening to people and getting your ears hot and heart broken).
Be kind to yourself. People had been mean to you, the least you can do is to be the person who is kind to yourself.
Does this words sound familiar to you?
“Have you tried you know, washing your face?”
The girl that probably parties every weekend, slept with makeup on and probably wash her face less than you
“You should try x and x product, it helped our customers with their acnes, yours should too!”
Probably a sales associate trying to make ends meet
Yep. I’ve been there. Listen, the people you should take into consideration are:
Yourself ✨
your favorite dermatologists 🥰 (I listen to the dermatologists in social media too. Nothing wrong with that)
And the people that are kind to you. Who supports you and you can feel that they are not condescending towards your problems.
Repeat after me.
We. Do. Not. Need. Condescending. People. Commenting. About. A. Problem. They. Might. Not. Even. Have
After myself and the dermatologists, I actually listen to some kind sales associates that I’ve met over the years.
I have the sweetest sales associates. Even when I have acne they never judged or say anything harsh, I always ask them for any new products they recommended. They are such gems, very grateful to meet them.
I’m very sure acne fighters will always remember the people that were kind to them. Because those kind of people are rare, and they are truly genuine.
5. What works for me
This part here is not so that you follow my steps, but the things you can learn to understand about your skin.
1. Foods that set off my skin.
For me I noticed my skin reacted really badly with dairy products (especially milk. Yoghurt, ice cream and cheese too but to a lesser extend) and poultry. I started getting redness on my nose area and under eye, and then starting to itch and boom, next day a big pimple appeared like a wild pokemon 🐥
So I did reduced my dairy and poultry intake and has been somewhat “dairy free” (I still eat cheese, yoghurt and icecreams though) and poultry free for 5 years now.
Pay attention to what food and habits that made your skin act up. Even when most researches don’t link dairy and acne, I believe that there are things that doesn’t always make sense and there would be someone that doesn’t really fit into the general population (after all we are different individuals), I’ve met some people who said that when they avoid eggs their skin gets better. When they avoided sugar their skin gets better. Etc.
2. Ingredients I am sensitive towards to
I am allergic to some fruit extracts and some preservatives in skin care. How do I know this? I gather the things that worked and didn’t work for me, and crosschecking what are the ingredients that appeared multiple times in the things that didn’t work.
It may take a while to find out but it pays off well. I learn to read every ingredient lists trying good things and avoiding those that have things that triggers my skin.
3. Daily skincare that my skin appreciate
My skin loves moisturizers.
I think if my skin could speak they will sing and makes poetries about their love towards moisturizers 😂
My skin loves the clear ish moisturizers, ones that hydrate well but not too thick.
My skin loves moisturizing face wash. Which is weird since my skin is oily, but they love face washes thats meant for drier skin.
Every morning after I woke up I prepare breakfast and proceed to eat breakfast, then I took a shower and then brush my teeth, washing my hands (important!) then wash my face with moisturizing face wash and cold water (I find my skin doesn’t get red as much with cold water).
Why it is in that sequence? Simple, because my skin is sensitive to some ingredients in toothpaste and mouth wash. So I always wash my hands after brushing my teeth and wash my face afterwards.
Then I use hand sanitizer (again, clean hands helped), a alcohol free toner, serum (I like vitamin C serums for brightening, moisturizing and anti oxidant), emulsion (a lightweight moisturizer), then moisturizer. Sunscreen. Then makeup.
For night it’s almost the same as in the morning but I use heavier serum, emulsion and moisturizer. I exfoliate with AHA toner (my skin is a bit too sensitive for stronger retinoids) twice a week after washing my face and before my normal toner. sometimes I use facial masks, but not routinely.
My skin tolerate masks well. Some of my seniors put tissue between their skin and mask because they get acne using masks.
I always remember to wash my hands and using hand sanitizers when touching my face 😂, even though in the day I sometimes touch my face and forgot to do so. But washing hands is a good habit to have.
My skin now.
Very close up shot of my skin. Using the ever so honest iPhone camera 😂
No makeup, sunlight, just woken up. Taken with iPhone 13 front camera. No filter, I promise.
You could see the post acne scars and some redness which is just my skin being sensitive like it’s owner 😂 but in real life it’s good. I am very happy with how it looks now.
How my skin looks if it’s more far away 😂 as I am writing this blog. After this I am going to bed, haven’t done my nightly skincare. No makeup, artificial light, iPhone 13 front camera.
These are pictures of real skin from a graduate acne fighter. It has been through a lot. It had received lots of painful comment from other people.
I never did any laser or medical procedures between the first photo and today.
And I am grateful that it’s in the state it’s in now. I sometimes get acne when it’s TOTM especially around my chin. And my nose is like rudolph the rednose reindeer 🦌 especially when I eat a little bit too much icecream or cake 🍦🍰. I get redness on my chin too, to the point when people point out my lipstick smudged 💄 and I said it’s just my skin being sensitive ✨.
And that wraps up this lengthy post!
Thankyou for reading and sorry for the long post! I hope this somehow helped you.
Last message from me for this post is, sometimes what you thought as acne might not be acne, so better to see your dermatologist or medical provider if you are unsure.
I’ve been there fellow acne fighters. I know how frustrating and draining it is. How some people just are so mean about it. How you scrolled through countless social media post and wishing how much it was different.
You will get through this. You know you will.
I’ve met people who said things like “the people who criticize your appearance are those who cares about you.”
No. Just no.
You don’t deserve to be criticized for something you don’t want. You don’t deserve to feel shitty about something you couldn’t control.
Please don’t let other people said it’s your fault. Please don’t believe it’s your fault.
They don’t know what’s it like. If they do know, they wouldn’t say those things in the first place because they know how much it hurt them in the past.
So as you guys may realize, I add my own illustrations to the blogpost now and so far I’ve been loving how it adds some kind of personal touch to the otherwise too-many-words-post.
When I picked up my pencil and started drawing again, I suddenly remembered about an eccentric art teacher that I had when I was in 7th grade.
I think most art teachers are generally nice, most of them really values the students hard work and gave their best input for the students to move forward. At least that’s what I experienced for most of my school years.
Except in 7th grade. There was this new teacher, let’s call him Mr.A, he was a 30 year old-something male with an art degree from the states. He spoke mostly English (his nationality is Indonesian), had this salt and pepper hair, quite tall. When you see him, you’ll definitely get that he’s an artist type despite dressing very formally when he teach.
At first we didn’t know what was coming since he seemed pretty normal. And because we only had art class once a week, we didn’t really get to know him.
I had arts as my extracurricular and I mostly remember being taught by other art teacher and he’s the best. So I remember him most of my Junior High School years rather than Mr.A.
So Mr.A was very talented (of course) and because he was quite quirky, art classes were not conventional drawing but rather he taught us history lessons and different styles of drawing.
One of those I remember was when he put an object in the middle of the class and we were instructed not to look at our papers and never to lift our pencils off.
This is what probably I looked like. I look like that most of the time anyway, when having a writers block
I had this crazy talented friend, lets call her N. N was and still is very good at drawing, and she prides herself for it. (Probably I would too if I had her talent)
I submitted mine and the next week he gave our works back.
I was sitting next to N and I remember N cried so loud and when I asked her why she gave me her paper with tears falling down her cheeks.
It looked amazing like usual, but a big 50 with a bright red marker was on the paper.
She didn’t accept the mark and she went to Mr.A and she asked him why did he give him a 50 (passing grade was 60 at the time) and he replied that her drawings hadn’t mature yet and he didn’t think it’s a good drawing. He wanted to give it a lower score but she should be grateful he gave her a 50.
N looked so shocked as she sat down and she kept quiet the whole time, as tears fell down her cheeks.
And if you asked me, how did I do?
I got 30 if I am not mistaken 😂
Thankfully, we only got him as our art teacher for a year before getting my extracurricular art teacher as our main art teacher.
And also, thankfully, N still draws until this day and her talent grew even more.
That’s the thing about harsh critiques, it either made you a better person or made you give up. I was lucky I never pride myself in arts so I stayed true to my style and met supporting teachers my whole life.
When I decided to write however the way I want here, I also took that liberation to the way I design my blog too. The zombie design was original and not gonna lie, I’d met some harsh criticism too. But at the end of the day, we do what we want to do and we do our best.
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