This will be an unusually emotional post, one that I need. One that will heal my heart.
Last weekend I went out with my friend and her boyfriend. We talked about a lot of things and one of them being my experience as someone’s “no” but being led on as their “maybe”.
Being anyone’s maybe is not nice, to say the least, even worse when you thought that, if that “maybe” could be a “yes” one day.
With multiple texts daily, routine phone calls throughout the week, and gifts sent, my 20 something year old self didn’t understand what it was. Even until now, I don’t really understand anything about love, dating and so. Lacking in that department, in both people interested and the experience.
One of my guy best friend, O, always say that I am too blunt when it comes to guys that are interested in me, always saying they probably want to be friends. But with constant attention and time given to me for 1+ years by this very person, I started to think about the possibility.
Being a junior in residency for the whole year (because of covid) and the constant pressure to be perfect, you poured out your emotions and worries to someone who felt like home, you know? Someone who was experiencing something similar to you, who was willing to share their experience and how they felt, with the passing time, that someone became familiar and it felt safe.
I was in that limbo for more than one year, until one day, when it was time for our late night phone call. One of my guy best friend, A, called, asking how I was doing and he hadn’t hear from me for a while.
A asked me if he could continue the call and I told him I had a phone call to make after this. He asked with who? I answered.
“That guy? What are you guys anyway? How long have you been close with each other? 1 year? I am your best friend and I don’t text you daily, I don’t call you routinely, I don’t send you gifts. How old are you guys? Are you guys friends? Are you guys dating? I think it’s not good for you to continue like this. Please ask him after this. Stop this nonsense.”
I could hear the concern and worry in A’s voice. I know that he is right, so I said okay, and I’ll call him after.
Guess how the next phone call went?
It’s not a “maybe” it’s a plain and simple “no”.
He felt that I was someone that had this special connection to him and he never really felt anything like that with anyone, but he didn’t see me more than best friends. We did crossed the line, with the attention and affection (his words not mine).
I asked him why didn’t he tell me right from the beginning then?
I was no stranger to guy best friends, all of them established the boundaries early. Respecting me as a friend but also acknowledging the fact that love may arise from the interaction, no matter how they might view you as not attractive for them, or not their type or vise versa. Something that I always, always respect from my guy best friends, they showed the respect for me as their friend, and also as someone that might be something more than just friends in the future.
“Because I felt awkward asking you that question.”
It’s better to be awkward than you leading me on like this.
“I am not leading you on. How could you think I even liked you? I never asked you out on any dates. I also won’t spend this much time chasing someone who I like.”
Those words shattered me.
Apparently I was not a human with feelings. Even though he accompanied me in my residency, even though he knew how I felt most days. He held my heart and shattered it into multiple pieces.
I felt stupid for not knowing the obvious facts that he pointed out. Maybe I did get my hopes up too much.
I said goodbye and hung up.
I remember crying to my best friends, feeling like I was sinking underwater, it was so hard to breathe. My girl best friends held me while I cried.
“It’s better this way. Better now than later.” A said as I was on the phone with him, with tears running down my face.
O received the phone call and his usually soft voice became angry and pissed off.
“No, no, he’s leading you on. It’s not your fault, it’s never your fault.”
I am so grateful for my best friends.
Breathing was hard for the next few weeks. My friends made it easier.
6 months later, after my heart and my head cleared out. I remember being on a phone call with this same guy, asking if we’re okay now.
He asked me how I felt and I answered honestly that I sometimes missed it.
“Do you want us to go back like that again?”
Those words shocked me down to my core.
“No.”
Until today I don’t know why he offered me that, I was offended because I don’t want to be another “maybe” for him, and I respected myself enough to walk away because I know (or at least, my friends said) that I deserve more.
Talking about this topic last weekend made me realize that I’ve been holding on this anger and resentment. Both for him and for myself. I always said to myself that don’t get my hopes up, or maybe I was never really worthy for anyone, never really worthy to pursue, never attractive enough for anyone to think about the future with.
Even after 4 years, the damage is still there.
In my fervent prayers to God, I asked him to give me a new heart, one that is healed and capable to love again, one that is capable of forgiving.
Forgiving myself because I was young and I didn’t know.
Forgiving myself that I let myself become vulnerable to someone who didn’t deserve it.
Forgiving myself that I fell in love, even though it’s for someone who didn’t feel the same way.
Forgiving myself that I reached for home and familiarity in a new person, one that I didn’t know I can trust or not. One that hasn’t pass the test of time and loyalty.
I buried the emotions and the sadness in the deepest corner of my heart. Pushing it back so that it would hurt less.
Dear God please accompany me in this life, if You could raise the dead to life, what is healing a broken heart to You?
You always keep your promise. Never too early, never too late.
For anyone who is having similar experience, I really do hope you give it to God, I really hope you guys forgive yourself for loving the wrong person, for giving your heart to someone who couldn’t handle the responsibility, for being sad because of it. It’s never your fault.
I’m healing, I promise. I know that one day I’ll fully forgive myself for the things I don’t understand and the mistakes I made.
Love,
Thatsleepyzombie
That Sleepy Zombie's Blog 